I have one request, please read this through and do not skip down to our big news. I really want you to hear my heart on this, so if you don’t have time please come back when you do. JThank You.
Since becoming a parent my biggest fear has been that I would lose one of my children too early. I have had times where that possibility became very real, and in those moments I can honestly tell you that I never once doubted God, his awesomeness, his power to heal, and the strength he gave me to get through no matter what the end result may be.
A little less than 2 months after our son came home from Ethiopia, our daughter became very ill. (I know I have written of this before so for those who do not know this is a short recap.) Elena had a high fever of 105 for a week, no other symptoms. Towards the end of that week she wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t drink, and to be honest looked like she had been on a 6 day drinking binge. Blood shot eyes, a strawberry tongue with cherry lips, and she began to walk like she was 80 years old with severe arthritis. So in a number of events to follow, I ended up in a helicopter with my baby being life flighted for fear she was going to have a heart attack…she was 2 ½! There is so much more to this story, but she lived, she was healed, and the Kawasaki disease never reached her heart. Praise God!
A little over a year later, one Sunday my son came down with a fever. A mere 101 at the time so I wasn’t too concerned, but it suddenly spiked and while in my arms he started seizing. Say what?! I did not know what to do! As I held him and waited for the ambulance I once again was in a situation where I had no control. While in that ambulance I prayed to God as I have done before to heal my son, but I also prayed for God’s will to be done, even if it meant my son was going to see the face of Jesus. Ugh! Does anyone ever want to pray that, but I did and a lot of you I am sure have… He ended up being perfectly fine, but in that moment I didn’t know. It was a turning point for me because I was praying for God’s will even if it meant saying goodbye to my baby.
Most of you reading, if not all of you have had these kind of moments. And some of us have lost precious family and friends, and our lives have been forever changed. Tragedy changes us all the while God carries us and holds us and loves us through it all. We have been witnessing more of this locally and all of us reading I am sure were deeply affected by what happened in Newton. We hold our babies closer and we pray for their protection.
I talk of this fear because it is a human fear that I wrestle with and I am sure will for the rest of my life, but because it also greatly relates to another fear I have.
It’s not just fear of untimely death for my children, but also a fear of losing the life of a child promised, a child whom I have never held or met but love fiercely already and whom I would do anything for.
You see Adoption is a fear for me, and yes I have done it twice but in my weakness I still fear it. It is an investment like none other and it brings me to my knees like nothing ever has. It forces me to let go of my humanness to control and give it Completely to GOD and trust him. I fear adoption, and I love it more than anything else.
With our first adoption it was a very real possibility that our sweet Elena wouldn’t come home. You see a month after she came home Guatemala closed adoptions, and there are still precious children caught in the middle of that and it’s been five years. I Loved my daughter before I knew who she was, God had whispered to me that it would be a girl, and then when I did see her picture at two weeks old, I was done. I knew she was ours and I watched her grow for almost nine months in pictures and I did everything I could to get things complete so she could come home. I prayed and I talked with God every moment of that time.
Two and half years later we were blessed with Moses. This was a very scary process with some loss I never expected, but we trusted God no matter what and our sweet Moses has been home for 3 years now.
Some of my point is that anything can happen in adoption; truly anything. Everyone’s process is different, but I rest in the fact our God is always the same.
And so, here we are again in a place of great peace with a Ton of trust in my God, your God. A God who makes the impossible possible, and the scary hard bearable.
As most of you know we are adopting again, but domestically this time around. And with this comes a whole new set of fears. It is so different that our last two adoptions, and there is always the chance the adoption could fail.
You see this past Tuesday my family and I were blessed with very incredible news and my first reaction was to hide it, to not tell, and we will just wait. My first reaction was to try and protect my heart because I could lose. I realize how silly that is because the things that are happening have God written all over them (and someday I hope to share more about that) and I want to tell everyone!
My husband and I are whole heartily invested and in love and I am going to tell you why and it is because this past Tuesday I found out that I am going to be a MOTHER of 3 in April, and our family is going to become a family of 5! We have been matched with a beautiful family that I am so humbled to walk along this journey with and to be a part of the Beautifully hard story God is writing for all of us; however it may end.
We are soooo stinking excited I tell you, so excited!
So even though a million what if’s could happen, and I fear that this child may not come home, Today I stand trusting my God, and Today I am celebrating the fact that I am going to be a Mommy of 3!
** A little side note** We have not told the kids yet, still trying to figure out how to explain this to them, so if you congratulate us be aware of our little’s who may have no idea what you are talking about. J
More to come and prayer requests as well. Thanks you for walking with us and praying for us. God Bless.
To God be the Glory!
Jeremiah 29:11
